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So I've wanted to write this blog for a long time but "kept telling myself stories". I've been doing a LOT of "Soul Searching" lately in another bout of peeling away more onion layers. I have been "fighting" some things in my mind for YEARS that keep rehashing themselves over and over like an old record player, and each time it rehashes I get more and more upset (and than you have your husband in background going "I TOLD YOU you would be hurt, or you were being treated like that but you don't listen" - YUP we've decided that I am one that learns the hard way - or so he says! - I am going to change this!). It wasn't until I had read something that it "clicked". All these years I have been telling myself "stories" and letting my ego live them. I've told myself I am a victim because "such and such" is happening, and than you let yourself go down that spiral staircase of "victim hood" and beat yourself up than more and more stories begin and take you further down. I'm learning that I am getting tired of "walking that staircase". At the moment I don't know 100% how to stop playing that record, BUT I believe in my heart that just the simple fact of "acknowledging" it will have a profound effect on my healing it. Sometimes we don't need to know the answers, we just need to acknowledge it and hand it over to a higher power to take us on a path to heal it (which most times something or someone will show up with the answers).
One of my records is setting my standards up high for people I love and getting VERY disappointed when they don't meet them. Maybe these aren't the write words, but this is what came out when I started typing. What I actually am trying to say is that the "standard" I am wanting is "love" and people not meeting it in this case is when you feel hurt because someone brushes you off all the time unless they need you and you always put them first. So the story of this record is "the victim". In life i've almost always put the needs of others above myself, being a people pleaser and not wanting to be left alone (which is my CORE issue - "abandonment" - from this life and past lives) and sometimes it isn't returned. The more I let the hurt fester in me, the more it takes me further down that spiral staircase. It wasn't until a "Wise Soul" said to me "Don't put people on pedestals NO MATTER WHO they are". This hit something in me. I've ALWAYS put people on pedestals, seeing the person I "WANTED" them to be, and than when they did something to prove they weren't that person I got VERY hurt. Lately I am beginning to bring those people down from those pedestals and seeing that what people do does NOT reflect you, it's simply "their story" and not matter how hard we try, we can't change it and the more we try the more hurt we get. Once you start to bring those people off that pedestal and start to LIVE your life not putting people ahead of you (and with this I mean to "please" NOT meaning don't put them ahead of you to "help" them if they need it) you begin to get your power back and see you don't need others to "make you whole" . Once you stop "letting people be a priority in your life who only allow you to be an option in theirs", you begin to take back the power in you and begin to heal that "victim" role. AND when you begin this, you will have others trying to create stories for you as they wont like the fact that you have began to take that power back. It's not an easy staircase to CLIMB but it sure beats descending it over and over and over again, and in the end it's the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself.
What stories are YOU telling yourself and re reading? Are you ready to start CLIMBING rather than descending that staircase?
NOTE: you MAY notice some of my blogs repeat - I don't go back and look at what I've written as this is a healing journey not a "re living" journey. Sometimes I make realizations and than they slip away again back into the "record turning" until they are ready to re appear again to help me LIVE that realization rather than listen to it. So if you've read something and said "wait a minute, she already made that realization three months ago", understand that likely I did, but I wasn't ready to fully live it so it went back into the "record" until I was ready to stop "spinning it". Just as many times people will give you a book to read or tell you something and you think WOW that was amazing, than you forget it and someone else tells you the same thing and you actually use it to HEAL something this time and forget someone said the exact same thing to you a year ago - because you are finally ready for it.
One of my records is setting my standards up high for people I love and getting VERY disappointed when they don't meet them. Maybe these aren't the write words, but this is what came out when I started typing. What I actually am trying to say is that the "standard" I am wanting is "love" and people not meeting it in this case is when you feel hurt because someone brushes you off all the time unless they need you and you always put them first. So the story of this record is "the victim". In life i've almost always put the needs of others above myself, being a people pleaser and not wanting to be left alone (which is my CORE issue - "abandonment" - from this life and past lives) and sometimes it isn't returned. The more I let the hurt fester in me, the more it takes me further down that spiral staircase. It wasn't until a "Wise Soul" said to me "Don't put people on pedestals NO MATTER WHO they are". This hit something in me. I've ALWAYS put people on pedestals, seeing the person I "WANTED" them to be, and than when they did something to prove they weren't that person I got VERY hurt. Lately I am beginning to bring those people down from those pedestals and seeing that what people do does NOT reflect you, it's simply "their story" and not matter how hard we try, we can't change it and the more we try the more hurt we get. Once you start to bring those people off that pedestal and start to LIVE your life not putting people ahead of you (and with this I mean to "please" NOT meaning don't put them ahead of you to "help" them if they need it) you begin to get your power back and see you don't need others to "make you whole" . Once you stop "letting people be a priority in your life who only allow you to be an option in theirs", you begin to take back the power in you and begin to heal that "victim" role. AND when you begin this, you will have others trying to create stories for you as they wont like the fact that you have began to take that power back. It's not an easy staircase to CLIMB but it sure beats descending it over and over and over again, and in the end it's the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself.
What stories are YOU telling yourself and re reading? Are you ready to start CLIMBING rather than descending that staircase?
NOTE: you MAY notice some of my blogs repeat - I don't go back and look at what I've written as this is a healing journey not a "re living" journey. Sometimes I make realizations and than they slip away again back into the "record turning" until they are ready to re appear again to help me LIVE that realization rather than listen to it. So if you've read something and said "wait a minute, she already made that realization three months ago", understand that likely I did, but I wasn't ready to fully live it so it went back into the "record" until I was ready to stop "spinning it". Just as many times people will give you a book to read or tell you something and you think WOW that was amazing, than you forget it and someone else tells you the same thing and you actually use it to HEAL something this time and forget someone said the exact same thing to you a year ago - because you are finally ready for it.