It's amazing what some LOUD Tenors music and a few affirmations can do! For the first time in a LONG time, I felt like my power was inside me once again. For Those that know me, know I do NOT like to drive.....correct that....I DON'T drive (other than to places within 10 minutes of me or ones I have been to for years that are a bit further. I never use to be this way. While I never was a fan of driving and didn't take my driving test till I was 18 and pregnant with my first son (rubbing your belly a couple times and saying you are due any day with a male trainer sure makes for a quick test and a pass!), I had a power inside me that felt in control and while I wouldn't drive to Toronto or the 401, I did the highways and even treked out in the middle of winter on a stormy day (some roads were closed) to get my sons Christmas gift out of town and using the highway. While I didn't care to drive, I was not FEARING it and was not trapped like I am today. What happened to cause this panic and fear in me? I have no idea. I wish I did, as unless you have this, you can not begin to imagine how trapped and hopeless you feel always relying on others to get you around, as well as guilt and shame for not being able to return the favour.
Today was a different story. Last night I made the decision I wanted to attend "Church" (well my non "churchy Church", but my rides weren't able to take me. I stewed about what I could do to get there. Driving was NOT an option. My husband is gone on a fishing trip, and my son tends to push his boundaries when Dad's away so we ended up in an argument that left me feeling hurt and powerless (words have a way of hitting wounds in you that you have not yet dealt with, and my son is as stubborn as my husband and I combined so he knows just what to say to do this - I love him to pieces, but I have to say he's a splitting image of me before I got my emotions in check - which tend to sneak out here and there as our shadows never fully go away). I sat with tears streaming down my face allowing the ego to take my power once again. Finally I had enough and I firmly said to myself that's it, I NO LONGER allow others to take my power from me. I am standing tall and regaining what was once mine. My son stirred such an emotion in me that lite a light that had been dim for so long. I slowly felt this power rise in me once again. I felt so strong that I decided I was going to drive myself to church the next morning. Not gonna lie, my stomach still had butterflies at the thoughts of it, and I had to ask my sister SEVERAL times for the directions and remind myself of the power that's within me. I woke up feeling unrested and unsure of myself as I had dreams ALL night that I got lost on the way there (I have always been a very vivid dreamer - sometimes they come true too, so this brought extra fears out), my poor puppy (who got to sleep with me all weekend cause Dave's away) must have been restless all night as I tend to "Share" my anxiousness with those around me (as my sister can attest too - I warned them not to give me a male massage therapist hahaha :D :/ ). I was going to do my usual routine of chickening out and decide NOT to go, but something bigger than me was telling me I HAD to go today (and I've learned over the years that we need to follow that "gut instinct". I decided to lay in bed and give myself some energy healing.Than it came to me that I needed to say some affirmations (as I've mentioned before, Affirmations were a huge part in getting me through my "Dark night of the Soul" many years ago). I was amazed after how the power slowly began to come back after saying the following affirmations 3x each
"I AM Beautiful"
"I AM not alone, the Universe is always with me" (I use the word Universe as "God" - use whatever you like)
"The Universe is always protecting and guiding me"
"It is safe for me to see" ("Seeing" can mean so many things - we all have our own meaning - mine was to see answers I was seeking questions to which were answered while attending the Church service as well as being able to "SEE" intuitively again which I let go of so long ago)
"It is safe to let go of control, the Universe brings what is needed into my life at the right moment" (and oh boy did it ever!)
Followed by this, I called my sister for directions yet again :D My butterflies came fluttering back, but my "intuition" KNEW there was a bigger plan and I was meant to go. I got in the car, turned my Tenors music on (which by the way has got me through some amazing things recently - can't wait to see them again in Hamilton and VEGAS!!!!! for the 6th and 7th time - I've always said "Music has the power to heal, what the mind can't" and it sure does) and was so in trace by the music that I didn't even realize I was 2 minutes from the church - the only thing that clued me in was I saw the sign and realized how loud my music was so I had to turn it down before I hit the parking lot (not sure if some would appreciate me rocking out to the Tenors on a Sunday morning :D ). I parked my car and sat for a moment, as I could not believe I just did that. I was so proud of myself, and had another "aha moment" - if it wasn't for my son saying the things he said to me, I never would have got fired up and found this power inside me that was buried for so long and never would have drove myself there. Another HUGE step was standing inside the doors of the church with HUNDREDS of people all alone waiting for my sister to arrive (I NEVER would have done this before). I had my phone in hand texting to see when she would be arriving, but at least I was there! The look on my sisters face and how proud she was of me for doing this was priceless and worth the sleepless night. On the way home, I did have a couple mild moments of pre panic but I just turned up the Tenors louder and began to say "I AM in control and NO ONE will take my power again", the panic faded to the background of the music. When I arrived home I had tears in my eyes - not sure what created them more, the fact that I had just done this on my own OR the fact the Tenors Song "Angels Calling" was playing in the car (which is a song that reminds me of my Grandma) - it was like she was saying "We were with you all the way". Today, was the day I "Gave birth" to my power again and I am vowing to myself to work at growing it further and further and never allowing it to dim that low again.
Lessons, Tips and Advice
1. Long ago, during a VERY dark time in my life where my panic attacks took control and I could hardly leave my home, my sister gave me words of wisdom that are worth their weight in gold. She said to me "What's the worst that will happen" - Simple words, yet their power is unimaginable. When I am in moments of fear or doubt, I say these to myself. It even helped me from having a HUGE panic attack while being stuck in an elevator after the power went out in Antigua. She reminded me of these words again this am, when she said "What's the worst that can happen, you'll get lost and miss church, but your GPS will guide you back home" - SO TRUE (ok not about the GPS as I don't even know how to answer my I-phone without hanging up on people let alone asking Siri...or what ever her name is, how to get me home! - NO I am not very "techy" and I'm ok with that as I'd rather be walking in the forest listening to the sounds of music nature has to offer than listening to "Siri").
2. Always be thankful for the people in your life that cause you heartache, stress and anger as not only are they a mirror showing you things you need to fix inside yourself, but they have made a pact to come in to this life with you to teach you and help you grow. Had my son and I not got into our little argument the previous day I would not be writing this and healing/growing. These people were placed in our life for a reason and we need to look deeper at the trials to see why and what they are hear to teach us. I thank every one in my life who has done this. (By the way did I mention that the Universe tends to keep giving us tests till we pass them - I didn't pass the test of being locked in the back of the Limo and not having a full blown panic attack so the following week the Universe decided to lock me in an elevator - needless to say I PASSED that test - so hears hoping those ones are done!!)
3. If you suffer from panic attacks and anxieties, no matter how dark it seems and no matter how much you think you will never get over them, there IS "light at the end of the tunnel". Never give up and always have faith knowing that during the times of sadness, panic and fear is the time God/Universe his holding you in his arms carrying you (My fav. poem as a little girl). Remind yourself that "What's the worst that will happen" (trust me I KNOW it is easier than said, but each day gets better and better, we may fall 10 times, but we will always rise 11).
4. If you don't suffer from these, but know someone who does. PLEASE be gentle and patient with that person. Trust me, these feelings are the last thing we want to have/feel. Telling us "they are only in your head" makes it that much harder to live with them and makes us feel hopeless and like a failure. WE KNOW they are "in our head", but we don't know why or how to get them out of there. I do NOT wish these on anyone, but it sure would be helpful if everyone could experience at least one of these for one moment in time so they could begin to understand the daily struggles we go through. I have to be 100 % honest I don't think people ever "fully" understand just how scared you are until you go into a BAD attack - I know my sister knew I had these, but until we were at the Oprah Winfrey show and had seats (which I did not know) BEYOND the nose bleed section and I had a full blown panic attack (like I was going to pass out) did she realize just how serious these can be. If you don't have these YOU ARE BLESSED as they rob you of your life and power and once it's gone, it's hard to regain it, so PLEASE be kind and understanding (and don't tell someone it's "in their head"
5. Celebrate each and every step along the way to healing, give yourself credit for each milestone you accomplish as you ARE AMAZING and you HAVE come very far. Look back at where you once were and how far you've come along the way (my Naturalpath is always great at reminding me of this when I have moments of feeling like I have failed, and quickly I begin to see just how far I have come from 2009).
6. Never forget the "Universe" always knows what best for you, and will place people/situations in our life for a reason. Let go of the need to control the path, it will unfold as it's meant to in "Divine Timing". Synchronicities happen for a reason ~ BELIEVE in them and their power. We never know what's around each corner so enjoy the moment you are in.
Today was a different story. Last night I made the decision I wanted to attend "Church" (well my non "churchy Church", but my rides weren't able to take me. I stewed about what I could do to get there. Driving was NOT an option. My husband is gone on a fishing trip, and my son tends to push his boundaries when Dad's away so we ended up in an argument that left me feeling hurt and powerless (words have a way of hitting wounds in you that you have not yet dealt with, and my son is as stubborn as my husband and I combined so he knows just what to say to do this - I love him to pieces, but I have to say he's a splitting image of me before I got my emotions in check - which tend to sneak out here and there as our shadows never fully go away). I sat with tears streaming down my face allowing the ego to take my power once again. Finally I had enough and I firmly said to myself that's it, I NO LONGER allow others to take my power from me. I am standing tall and regaining what was once mine. My son stirred such an emotion in me that lite a light that had been dim for so long. I slowly felt this power rise in me once again. I felt so strong that I decided I was going to drive myself to church the next morning. Not gonna lie, my stomach still had butterflies at the thoughts of it, and I had to ask my sister SEVERAL times for the directions and remind myself of the power that's within me. I woke up feeling unrested and unsure of myself as I had dreams ALL night that I got lost on the way there (I have always been a very vivid dreamer - sometimes they come true too, so this brought extra fears out), my poor puppy (who got to sleep with me all weekend cause Dave's away) must have been restless all night as I tend to "Share" my anxiousness with those around me (as my sister can attest too - I warned them not to give me a male massage therapist hahaha :D :/ ). I was going to do my usual routine of chickening out and decide NOT to go, but something bigger than me was telling me I HAD to go today (and I've learned over the years that we need to follow that "gut instinct". I decided to lay in bed and give myself some energy healing.Than it came to me that I needed to say some affirmations (as I've mentioned before, Affirmations were a huge part in getting me through my "Dark night of the Soul" many years ago). I was amazed after how the power slowly began to come back after saying the following affirmations 3x each
"I AM Beautiful"
"I AM not alone, the Universe is always with me" (I use the word Universe as "God" - use whatever you like)
"The Universe is always protecting and guiding me"
"It is safe for me to see" ("Seeing" can mean so many things - we all have our own meaning - mine was to see answers I was seeking questions to which were answered while attending the Church service as well as being able to "SEE" intuitively again which I let go of so long ago)
"It is safe to let go of control, the Universe brings what is needed into my life at the right moment" (and oh boy did it ever!)
Followed by this, I called my sister for directions yet again :D My butterflies came fluttering back, but my "intuition" KNEW there was a bigger plan and I was meant to go. I got in the car, turned my Tenors music on (which by the way has got me through some amazing things recently - can't wait to see them again in Hamilton and VEGAS!!!!! for the 6th and 7th time - I've always said "Music has the power to heal, what the mind can't" and it sure does) and was so in trace by the music that I didn't even realize I was 2 minutes from the church - the only thing that clued me in was I saw the sign and realized how loud my music was so I had to turn it down before I hit the parking lot (not sure if some would appreciate me rocking out to the Tenors on a Sunday morning :D ). I parked my car and sat for a moment, as I could not believe I just did that. I was so proud of myself, and had another "aha moment" - if it wasn't for my son saying the things he said to me, I never would have got fired up and found this power inside me that was buried for so long and never would have drove myself there. Another HUGE step was standing inside the doors of the church with HUNDREDS of people all alone waiting for my sister to arrive (I NEVER would have done this before). I had my phone in hand texting to see when she would be arriving, but at least I was there! The look on my sisters face and how proud she was of me for doing this was priceless and worth the sleepless night. On the way home, I did have a couple mild moments of pre panic but I just turned up the Tenors louder and began to say "I AM in control and NO ONE will take my power again", the panic faded to the background of the music. When I arrived home I had tears in my eyes - not sure what created them more, the fact that I had just done this on my own OR the fact the Tenors Song "Angels Calling" was playing in the car (which is a song that reminds me of my Grandma) - it was like she was saying "We were with you all the way". Today, was the day I "Gave birth" to my power again and I am vowing to myself to work at growing it further and further and never allowing it to dim that low again.
Lessons, Tips and Advice
1. Long ago, during a VERY dark time in my life where my panic attacks took control and I could hardly leave my home, my sister gave me words of wisdom that are worth their weight in gold. She said to me "What's the worst that will happen" - Simple words, yet their power is unimaginable. When I am in moments of fear or doubt, I say these to myself. It even helped me from having a HUGE panic attack while being stuck in an elevator after the power went out in Antigua. She reminded me of these words again this am, when she said "What's the worst that can happen, you'll get lost and miss church, but your GPS will guide you back home" - SO TRUE (ok not about the GPS as I don't even know how to answer my I-phone without hanging up on people let alone asking Siri...or what ever her name is, how to get me home! - NO I am not very "techy" and I'm ok with that as I'd rather be walking in the forest listening to the sounds of music nature has to offer than listening to "Siri").
2. Always be thankful for the people in your life that cause you heartache, stress and anger as not only are they a mirror showing you things you need to fix inside yourself, but they have made a pact to come in to this life with you to teach you and help you grow. Had my son and I not got into our little argument the previous day I would not be writing this and healing/growing. These people were placed in our life for a reason and we need to look deeper at the trials to see why and what they are hear to teach us. I thank every one in my life who has done this. (By the way did I mention that the Universe tends to keep giving us tests till we pass them - I didn't pass the test of being locked in the back of the Limo and not having a full blown panic attack so the following week the Universe decided to lock me in an elevator - needless to say I PASSED that test - so hears hoping those ones are done!!)
3. If you suffer from panic attacks and anxieties, no matter how dark it seems and no matter how much you think you will never get over them, there IS "light at the end of the tunnel". Never give up and always have faith knowing that during the times of sadness, panic and fear is the time God/Universe his holding you in his arms carrying you (My fav. poem as a little girl). Remind yourself that "What's the worst that will happen" (trust me I KNOW it is easier than said, but each day gets better and better, we may fall 10 times, but we will always rise 11).
4. If you don't suffer from these, but know someone who does. PLEASE be gentle and patient with that person. Trust me, these feelings are the last thing we want to have/feel. Telling us "they are only in your head" makes it that much harder to live with them and makes us feel hopeless and like a failure. WE KNOW they are "in our head", but we don't know why or how to get them out of there. I do NOT wish these on anyone, but it sure would be helpful if everyone could experience at least one of these for one moment in time so they could begin to understand the daily struggles we go through. I have to be 100 % honest I don't think people ever "fully" understand just how scared you are until you go into a BAD attack - I know my sister knew I had these, but until we were at the Oprah Winfrey show and had seats (which I did not know) BEYOND the nose bleed section and I had a full blown panic attack (like I was going to pass out) did she realize just how serious these can be. If you don't have these YOU ARE BLESSED as they rob you of your life and power and once it's gone, it's hard to regain it, so PLEASE be kind and understanding (and don't tell someone it's "in their head"
5. Celebrate each and every step along the way to healing, give yourself credit for each milestone you accomplish as you ARE AMAZING and you HAVE come very far. Look back at where you once were and how far you've come along the way (my Naturalpath is always great at reminding me of this when I have moments of feeling like I have failed, and quickly I begin to see just how far I have come from 2009).
6. Never forget the "Universe" always knows what best for you, and will place people/situations in our life for a reason. Let go of the need to control the path, it will unfold as it's meant to in "Divine Timing". Synchronicities happen for a reason ~ BELIEVE in them and their power. We never know what's around each corner so enjoy the moment you are in.