MANY are going through a challenging time right now (including myself), maybe it's "Mercury Retrograde" or part of the "Shift" so many talk about, whatever it is, it SUCKS (well for now - in the end of a storm we come out with so much growth)!! After having a "melt down" last night and pretty much "giving up" on this "spiritual journey" I have been on for years (I'm sure my loved ones in Spirit were having quite the show last night watching me - I know my Grandma would have be saying "now no getting messy", My Mom would have been reaching in for a hug, my Grandpa would have been doing his boxing moves to show me to "keep fighting", my Uncle would have reminded me to not take things so personally - and Oma would have been handing me some of her amazing cooking to make it all better :), I woke up this am feeling a sense of calm over me (and now as I write this I feel this amazing breeze cross over my head each time I want to shed another tear). I am blessed enough to be surrounded by many beautiful Souls (some intuitive which have been the light in my darkness to help guide me along this path, some in spirit and some just super amazing friends), and a couple of them gave me the most encouraging words of advise that I've heard before and said myself but seemed to have forgotten in this moment of upset. They reminded me to "stay present" and ONLY focus on ONE DAY AT A TIME, don't worry about tomorrow, next week or next year, just focus on one day at a time and remember everything always works out in the end for our best interest. I'm not gonna lie, it's not easy at all and I do have the waves of "anxiety" going through me at times right now, BUT I've also come a long way from my nervous breakdown in 2009 and have learned so much and I REFUSE to go back to that place EVER again, so When these moments of doubt and fear come, I simply remind myself of these words and breath into the fear and release it (lots of breathing going on today LOL :) The hardest part in life (for me anyway) is learning to "let go" of CONTROL and flow with the current rather than trying to swim up stream which I've done ALL my life. If I didn't have my amazing intuitive friends to help me through this, i'm not sure I'd be this calm (well I wouldn't say I'm calm BUT "calmer"). I KNOW I am being "tested" right now and I can either go back to my old ways of letting the fear take over and climbing into a hole of darkness OR I can PASS this test finally and start to "reach out" and "speak out" about it (ok AND "let go" of the need to control everything). Lots of "Frozen" music going on in my head lately (you do NOT want to be in my house while the shower is running any time soon as I REALLY belt it out - poor Coby stays downstairs now hiding under his blankets haha!). Music has ALWAYS been "therapy to my Soul" and has been a great sense of release for me over the years (and NO I can not sing at all but it sure feels good to belt those words out when you are mad/upset).
This month has me anxious that we have still not found an employee for our business (super busy time of year) AND the fact that my oldest son will be applying for schooling - not just any schooling but to the RMC (Royal Military College) - YUP you heard me MILITARY! It's not hard enough that my first born baby is old enough to be leaving home, but that he will be miles and miles away from home AND in the army (if he gets accepted!). 3 years ago, my loving son came home from school with words I will NEVER forget (one of my famous "life lesson" talks came back to bite me in the ass on this day!). He said "Mom, remember how you told me you don't care what I do in life, as long as I'm happy" (He actually WAS paying attention to my wonderful "talks' all these years). I said "yes, you know that's all I ever want" (put foot in mouth NOW!). "We'll, I've decided I am joining the ARMY when I am done school" (maybe I wrote this in an earlier blog, but I can't remember). - Well I tried to hold my emotions in as all I've ever wanted is for my boys to be happy, but I haven't mastered the "holding in" yet and boy did my emotions come out (I feel SUPER bad now), it went from my jaw hitting the floor (no lie it dropped hard), to saying "NO WAY will my son be going to the army" (like I'd have any control over it anyway) to BAWLING (partially because I felt like I would lose him like I lost my mom when I was four and I no longer could control his safety and partially because he was moving so far away). We didn't talk much about it for the longest time and I PRAYED over an over that he'd change his mind, but deep down in my core I KNEW this was HIM - I actually could picture him in the uniform proud and so sure of himself. It wasn't until he came up to me after I started Reflexology and said "you telling me not to go to the army would be like me telling you not to do reflexology" - DANG this smart little fart had me AGAIN! (he knows how to play on my emotions BIG TIME - I guess he learned from the best :) !! Sadly, he is so right. This is when I began to look at things differently. While I didn't LOVE the idea of him going, I decided that this WAS his dream and if it makes him happy that's all that matters. Of course now that he actually is applying, it's a whole new story as it's really "sinking in" now. After spending HUNDREDS of dollars on readings over the last couple years to see if they saw my son going (luck would have it over 5 mediums said YES he will be - We'll see in a few months if they were correct - not gonna lie, they've been bang on with other stuff) the time as come when he will be applying. I've talked to several Mom's lately and they all had a hard time sending their kids off to school - dang why didn't our parents tell us having kids plays this much with your heart strings and do DAD's ever feel this???!!!! I know the next few months are going to be a "roller coaster" of emotion for me while we sit and wait to see if he got accepted but this is also my test in life - to grow stronger, reach out for help when needing it (talking to people) and letting go of control - BUT DANG - he's MY baby boy (now I can understand where my Dad was coming from all these years and my Uncle when they kept referring to me as their "little Stini" - will our kids EVER grow up in our eyes?!
Whatever the next few months brings for me with our "employee hunt" and with my son, I know My loved ones will be watching over us (even though right now I've lost that feeling of them being here as the fear creeps in). What's meant to be will always be - we can make it easier by accepting it (ya easier said than done) OR we can make it hard by fighting it - the path is ours to take.
So far now - I'm off to sing with Elsa and Olaf! (Hmmmm I wonder if they take on Reflexologist in the Army - I'm sure my son would just LOVE to have his mama there with him :D )
This month has me anxious that we have still not found an employee for our business (super busy time of year) AND the fact that my oldest son will be applying for schooling - not just any schooling but to the RMC (Royal Military College) - YUP you heard me MILITARY! It's not hard enough that my first born baby is old enough to be leaving home, but that he will be miles and miles away from home AND in the army (if he gets accepted!). 3 years ago, my loving son came home from school with words I will NEVER forget (one of my famous "life lesson" talks came back to bite me in the ass on this day!). He said "Mom, remember how you told me you don't care what I do in life, as long as I'm happy" (He actually WAS paying attention to my wonderful "talks' all these years). I said "yes, you know that's all I ever want" (put foot in mouth NOW!). "We'll, I've decided I am joining the ARMY when I am done school" (maybe I wrote this in an earlier blog, but I can't remember). - Well I tried to hold my emotions in as all I've ever wanted is for my boys to be happy, but I haven't mastered the "holding in" yet and boy did my emotions come out (I feel SUPER bad now), it went from my jaw hitting the floor (no lie it dropped hard), to saying "NO WAY will my son be going to the army" (like I'd have any control over it anyway) to BAWLING (partially because I felt like I would lose him like I lost my mom when I was four and I no longer could control his safety and partially because he was moving so far away). We didn't talk much about it for the longest time and I PRAYED over an over that he'd change his mind, but deep down in my core I KNEW this was HIM - I actually could picture him in the uniform proud and so sure of himself. It wasn't until he came up to me after I started Reflexology and said "you telling me not to go to the army would be like me telling you not to do reflexology" - DANG this smart little fart had me AGAIN! (he knows how to play on my emotions BIG TIME - I guess he learned from the best :) !! Sadly, he is so right. This is when I began to look at things differently. While I didn't LOVE the idea of him going, I decided that this WAS his dream and if it makes him happy that's all that matters. Of course now that he actually is applying, it's a whole new story as it's really "sinking in" now. After spending HUNDREDS of dollars on readings over the last couple years to see if they saw my son going (luck would have it over 5 mediums said YES he will be - We'll see in a few months if they were correct - not gonna lie, they've been bang on with other stuff) the time as come when he will be applying. I've talked to several Mom's lately and they all had a hard time sending their kids off to school - dang why didn't our parents tell us having kids plays this much with your heart strings and do DAD's ever feel this???!!!! I know the next few months are going to be a "roller coaster" of emotion for me while we sit and wait to see if he got accepted but this is also my test in life - to grow stronger, reach out for help when needing it (talking to people) and letting go of control - BUT DANG - he's MY baby boy (now I can understand where my Dad was coming from all these years and my Uncle when they kept referring to me as their "little Stini" - will our kids EVER grow up in our eyes?!
Whatever the next few months brings for me with our "employee hunt" and with my son, I know My loved ones will be watching over us (even though right now I've lost that feeling of them being here as the fear creeps in). What's meant to be will always be - we can make it easier by accepting it (ya easier said than done) OR we can make it hard by fighting it - the path is ours to take.
So far now - I'm off to sing with Elsa and Olaf! (Hmmmm I wonder if they take on Reflexologist in the Army - I'm sure my son would just LOVE to have his mama there with him :D )