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For those of you who don't know my full 'story', I wanted to take a moment and fill you in on the struggles I have faced most of my life (although it wasn't until my breakdown in 2009 that I realized I DID struggle with them). I am very open about my struggles now, as far too many people are dying from these terrible diseases and the sooner we as a society SPEAK OUT about Mental Illness, the sooner people will heal and realize they are NOT alone and they CAN make it through this. We can share posts about tragedies, recipes, quotes, gossip, but it's not too often you see people sharing posts about Mental Illness. If my post can help even 1 person to see they are not alone, and with the help of professionals they CAN heal, than my struggles had a purpose. Asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness, it is a sign of COURAGE.
May 2009 was the turning point in my life. A time I NEVER thought I'd ever make it through. It was the the start of my path to healing all the layers in me that were hidden for far too long. Due to a combination of things (would be too long to write here), I ended up in the ER from a severe nervous breakdown. While I don't remember a lot of the events leading up to that day, or the 3 months following it, I sure remember that morning when my Sister called me as she new something was not right in me for awhile (to this day I KNOW she is the one who saved my life, as I was good at hiding things and no one caught on but her) as well as the look in my doctors eyes when he saw me and sent me to the ER (he had never seen me like that in my life, I am blessed to have the most caring doctor anyone could possibly ask for). This was the turning point in what MADE me heal things in me that I had stuffed under the rug for years as I was too embarrassed to admit I needed help (and to be honest I didn't realize it was as bad as it was). I call this time in my life my "Dark Night Of The Soul", this was a time where my Soul had had enough and no longer could live the way it was living. It was through these grueling 3 months that I would begin to not only re find God again, but find myself and begin to start healing my "inner child" who was crying out for help for years. After being admitted to the hospital for a night after not eating, sleeping or drinking for who knows how long (my body went into shock and began hearing and seeing things that weren't really happening......not intuition, I have no idea what this was - lack of water/sleep I am guessing) I was released on a condition I seek help and get on medication. I was at the point where I had no choice as I was not functioning at all. I vaguely remember those 3 months, most of which were spent in the fetal position on our couch begging God to take me "home" as I could no longer carry on like this. I remember being angry at him for allowing this to happen to me, and wondered what I did wrong in my life to have this happen to me. A few weeks prior to my breakdown, I was chatting with a religious person about a Reiki Course I had taken (which by the way cured me of my acid reflux issues that I was on medication for months - little did I know though that when you take this course things in you that are buried deep can come up for releasing/healing). When their faced dropped and they looked at me and said "it was evil and the work of the devil" the fears that were buried deep inside me from my childhood (as a child I always feared doing something wrong and going to Hell and I feared dying..... I have no idea where these fears came from) that I thought no longer existed rose to the surface at great speed. This is when I began to stop eating, drinking and sleeping as I was so scared and nauseous that that person was right (since they were someone of "authority"). Instead of talking to anyone about it, I did what I always did my whole life, kept it to my self, let the fear fester and bury it deep inside - only this time it wouldn't stay buried. I use to hold great anger towards this person for saying that, and stirring up these fears in me, but now see, that it was a blessing as they were the one who pushed me to my breaking point to heal the things in me that needed healing to go further on my journey.
After weeks of trying new medications, seeing counselors (which some by the way "prayed for me" for taking Reiki - which only sent me on a further downward spiral), praying, spending my days in the fetal position on the couch or cradled in my husbands arms (who by the way was my ROCK through out this whole ordeal - I NEVER could have made it through this with out his strength, and my boys who encouraged me to keep fighting),not being able to talk to anyone but close family, I slowly began to "come back to life". I remember the moment my life changed. I was laying on the couch after praying for God to please spare me of this pain and either take me "home", give me a brain tumor (so at least we knew what was causing all this) or heal me. Within minutes of this prayer, the door bell rang. I was in no shape to speak to people at this time so I stayed on the couch till they left. Once gone, I opened the door to see who had been there. Laying on my front porch was a note from my sons teacher (who had no idea I was going through this) for him that he had forgotten, only holding this note down was a rock with the words BELIEVE on it. I knew at that moment God was beginning to answer my prayers and was going to heal me. The weeks that followed, I began getting more "signs", someone would call me at the exact moment I would pray to God for help (usually my Mother in law as she was my support during this time) or a good friend would show up at the door with a book that just so happened to be what I would need to read. As I began to have faith, my body began to get stronger. Each meal my husband would encourage me to eat just a little bit more, each day he would take me outside and walk me around the gardens holding my hand and soon I was able to remember how to do daily things like making my kids meals again (yes that's how bad it had gotten - you don't realize what you take for granted till you no longer can do it). Three books played a HUGE role in my recovery (You can heal your life by Louise Hay, Everyday positive thinking by Louise Hay and Who will cry when you die by Robin Sharma), they were my "bible" and I turned to them daily. I remember my husband drawing a diagram of a circle and saying that I was on a roller coaster my whole life, and now I was starting to come off it, how true this was. My whole life I suffered with depression, fears and anxieties but never knew it was this bad and never wanted to seek help due to embarrassment - well look where it got me!). He would post daily "chores" for me to do so I wouldn't just sit and think. I slowly began to re enter the world again and work my way back onto my "spiritual journey".
Through those months I healed things in me that needed healing for years. From losing my Mom at the age of four to cancer, being teased most of my school years due to my weight and height, forgiving myself for choices I made that I regretted (but through therapy realized WHY I made those choices at the time), forgiving myself and others for the way we treated each other over the years and to seeing that EVERYONE has their own opinions and that just because someone has a belief system, it does not mean it has to be yours (this was HUGE for me - all my life I struggled with if choosing not to go to church was the right thing and through this experience I realized that we do not have to live by "the rules of the church" (and at the time I didn't realize how many "rules" my church had....after this I found another church that was totally different and did not have the "rules"), or "attend church" to be loved by God. For the first time in my life, I felt the closest to God than I had been my whole entire life of attending church (don't get me wrong, Church is fabulous for some, but for me it is not the right fit). I began to learn that we are ALL ONE no matter what religion, colour, race etc we were - how healing life can be when we don't put labels on each other and just love one another for their own unique qualities. Through the help of my counselor (which by the way I went through MANY to find a good one - I was about to give up on finding one, when a wonderful Soul said "you don't just chose the first car you drive, you test them out to find the right fit, so why would you do any different with someone who is helping you to heal your life"), I began to slowly heal these things (and trust me I have MANY layers of the "onion" left to peel and heal) and see how freeing life can be when you do take the steps to face your shadows rather than hide them. I began to see that each trial in my life, each person that caused grief in my life has taught me a lesson and turned me in to the person I am today - how healing it is when you can forgive people (and yourself) and see the blessing/lesson they brought to your life rather than the turmoil (trust me I still have issues with this at points in my life, but I am a lot better than I use to be, always remember forgiving someone does NOT mean you agree with what they have done, it is simply allowing the energy between you and them to heal and release).
Never be ashamed to seek help or have to go on medication. My amazing doctor said these words to me that stick in my heart forever, he said "A diabetic wouldn't think twice about taking insulin as their body needs it to stay alive, so why should you feel bad about needing medication to help your body stay balanced". - how true it this. See, the quote "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" really does have meaning! I lived on the medication for about 4 years, and through the help of my Naturopath I was able to wean myself off (only because I was tired of feeling tired from it, I NEEDED it at the time as I couldn't function, but I knew it was time to try to come off and try a natural approach - and LEARN FROM ME - do NOT come off on your own, seek help from your doctor or another qualified professional - I learned the hard way when I tried doing it on my own and it took me three months back on the meds to feel normal again - more wise words from my doctor at the time were "you feel better because you ARE on the medication" - I always thought I could come off as I felt so good, well that took 2 times to learn my lesson - my husband always says I never listen and have to learn the hard way - I would never tell him, but HE IS SO RIGHT!!!!
Another blessing that came to light through all this, is I learned to embrace my TRUE SELF. I always hid my passion of intuition and mediums (who by the way were a HUGE role in helping me to heal) for fear others would judge me, mine was starting to open up before I had my breakdown and than I shut it all down out of fear, but slowly I am beginning to follow my path to becoming ME and opening up again. Through this "opening" I began to see that I am an "Empath" (someone who can sense/feel others emotions). Yes, I still do have depression and Anxiety issues, BUT I am now learning that some of these emotions are NOT MINE. Have you ever walked into a store and all of a sudden felt deep sadness only to turn the corner and see someone crying? This can be a blessing (as you can help others) or a curse (if you don't know how to protect yourself, as you can take on their emotions). Now that I am learning to "protect" myself, I now ask myself when feeling an emotion "Is this mine?", I usually get a sense on whether it is or not. If it is mine, I try and "sit with the emotion" and see why I am feeling it (rather than always turning to food to numb it.....but I haven't fully mastered this yet). I use to push the emotion away for fear of it (and the uncomfortableness of feeling it), but now I try and feel it. I've learned that when you embrace these emotions rather than push them away and ignore them they usually will go away, but the more energy we give the emotion by fighting it, the longer it will linger inside of us. Trust me, this is NOT an easy process, but it's so rewarding when you do it. If the emotion is NOT mine, than I ask God/Universe, My Guides and the Angels to take the emotion away from me and send love, light and healing to who ever it belongs to. When you are an Empath, it can be a roller coaster of emotion, especially with those you have strong "Soulmate"**** connections to, as you usually can pick up on every emotion they are going through. I remember the time I had a huge panic attack (which I hadn't suffered from this bad in years), I had no idea why I was experiencing it as there was no logical explanation. It wasn't until learning someone I had a "Soul" connection with was having panic attacks due to issues they were going through from surgery that I realized what was going on. Than there were the times, during massages on girls getaways that I was so anxious (due to having a male massage therapist) that my sister actually felt my anxious energy in another room.
Life is full of mysteries and lessons, and the more we learn, grow and help each other through them rather than judge each other, the faster we will heal as a society. WE ALL make mistakes in life, no one is perfect, so before judging someone for things they have done, look deeper and see the Soul who is hurting deep inside. What if one day we all helped each other heal rather than pointed fingers at each other - what a beautiful place it would be (and trust me I am FAR from perfect in this area of life as I still am guilty of having moments of judgment with myself and with others, but I sure hope to improve on this as I have already grown so much already from how I use to be)
***Sandye M. Roberts and Arthur L. Jones - Divine Intervention II: A Guide To Twin Flames, Soul Mates, and Kindred Spirits
May 2009 was the turning point in my life. A time I NEVER thought I'd ever make it through. It was the the start of my path to healing all the layers in me that were hidden for far too long. Due to a combination of things (would be too long to write here), I ended up in the ER from a severe nervous breakdown. While I don't remember a lot of the events leading up to that day, or the 3 months following it, I sure remember that morning when my Sister called me as she new something was not right in me for awhile (to this day I KNOW she is the one who saved my life, as I was good at hiding things and no one caught on but her) as well as the look in my doctors eyes when he saw me and sent me to the ER (he had never seen me like that in my life, I am blessed to have the most caring doctor anyone could possibly ask for). This was the turning point in what MADE me heal things in me that I had stuffed under the rug for years as I was too embarrassed to admit I needed help (and to be honest I didn't realize it was as bad as it was). I call this time in my life my "Dark Night Of The Soul", this was a time where my Soul had had enough and no longer could live the way it was living. It was through these grueling 3 months that I would begin to not only re find God again, but find myself and begin to start healing my "inner child" who was crying out for help for years. After being admitted to the hospital for a night after not eating, sleeping or drinking for who knows how long (my body went into shock and began hearing and seeing things that weren't really happening......not intuition, I have no idea what this was - lack of water/sleep I am guessing) I was released on a condition I seek help and get on medication. I was at the point where I had no choice as I was not functioning at all. I vaguely remember those 3 months, most of which were spent in the fetal position on our couch begging God to take me "home" as I could no longer carry on like this. I remember being angry at him for allowing this to happen to me, and wondered what I did wrong in my life to have this happen to me. A few weeks prior to my breakdown, I was chatting with a religious person about a Reiki Course I had taken (which by the way cured me of my acid reflux issues that I was on medication for months - little did I know though that when you take this course things in you that are buried deep can come up for releasing/healing). When their faced dropped and they looked at me and said "it was evil and the work of the devil" the fears that were buried deep inside me from my childhood (as a child I always feared doing something wrong and going to Hell and I feared dying..... I have no idea where these fears came from) that I thought no longer existed rose to the surface at great speed. This is when I began to stop eating, drinking and sleeping as I was so scared and nauseous that that person was right (since they were someone of "authority"). Instead of talking to anyone about it, I did what I always did my whole life, kept it to my self, let the fear fester and bury it deep inside - only this time it wouldn't stay buried. I use to hold great anger towards this person for saying that, and stirring up these fears in me, but now see, that it was a blessing as they were the one who pushed me to my breaking point to heal the things in me that needed healing to go further on my journey.
After weeks of trying new medications, seeing counselors (which some by the way "prayed for me" for taking Reiki - which only sent me on a further downward spiral), praying, spending my days in the fetal position on the couch or cradled in my husbands arms (who by the way was my ROCK through out this whole ordeal - I NEVER could have made it through this with out his strength, and my boys who encouraged me to keep fighting),not being able to talk to anyone but close family, I slowly began to "come back to life". I remember the moment my life changed. I was laying on the couch after praying for God to please spare me of this pain and either take me "home", give me a brain tumor (so at least we knew what was causing all this) or heal me. Within minutes of this prayer, the door bell rang. I was in no shape to speak to people at this time so I stayed on the couch till they left. Once gone, I opened the door to see who had been there. Laying on my front porch was a note from my sons teacher (who had no idea I was going through this) for him that he had forgotten, only holding this note down was a rock with the words BELIEVE on it. I knew at that moment God was beginning to answer my prayers and was going to heal me. The weeks that followed, I began getting more "signs", someone would call me at the exact moment I would pray to God for help (usually my Mother in law as she was my support during this time) or a good friend would show up at the door with a book that just so happened to be what I would need to read. As I began to have faith, my body began to get stronger. Each meal my husband would encourage me to eat just a little bit more, each day he would take me outside and walk me around the gardens holding my hand and soon I was able to remember how to do daily things like making my kids meals again (yes that's how bad it had gotten - you don't realize what you take for granted till you no longer can do it). Three books played a HUGE role in my recovery (You can heal your life by Louise Hay, Everyday positive thinking by Louise Hay and Who will cry when you die by Robin Sharma), they were my "bible" and I turned to them daily. I remember my husband drawing a diagram of a circle and saying that I was on a roller coaster my whole life, and now I was starting to come off it, how true this was. My whole life I suffered with depression, fears and anxieties but never knew it was this bad and never wanted to seek help due to embarrassment - well look where it got me!). He would post daily "chores" for me to do so I wouldn't just sit and think. I slowly began to re enter the world again and work my way back onto my "spiritual journey".
Through those months I healed things in me that needed healing for years. From losing my Mom at the age of four to cancer, being teased most of my school years due to my weight and height, forgiving myself for choices I made that I regretted (but through therapy realized WHY I made those choices at the time), forgiving myself and others for the way we treated each other over the years and to seeing that EVERYONE has their own opinions and that just because someone has a belief system, it does not mean it has to be yours (this was HUGE for me - all my life I struggled with if choosing not to go to church was the right thing and through this experience I realized that we do not have to live by "the rules of the church" (and at the time I didn't realize how many "rules" my church had....after this I found another church that was totally different and did not have the "rules"), or "attend church" to be loved by God. For the first time in my life, I felt the closest to God than I had been my whole entire life of attending church (don't get me wrong, Church is fabulous for some, but for me it is not the right fit). I began to learn that we are ALL ONE no matter what religion, colour, race etc we were - how healing life can be when we don't put labels on each other and just love one another for their own unique qualities. Through the help of my counselor (which by the way I went through MANY to find a good one - I was about to give up on finding one, when a wonderful Soul said "you don't just chose the first car you drive, you test them out to find the right fit, so why would you do any different with someone who is helping you to heal your life"), I began to slowly heal these things (and trust me I have MANY layers of the "onion" left to peel and heal) and see how freeing life can be when you do take the steps to face your shadows rather than hide them. I began to see that each trial in my life, each person that caused grief in my life has taught me a lesson and turned me in to the person I am today - how healing it is when you can forgive people (and yourself) and see the blessing/lesson they brought to your life rather than the turmoil (trust me I still have issues with this at points in my life, but I am a lot better than I use to be, always remember forgiving someone does NOT mean you agree with what they have done, it is simply allowing the energy between you and them to heal and release).
Never be ashamed to seek help or have to go on medication. My amazing doctor said these words to me that stick in my heart forever, he said "A diabetic wouldn't think twice about taking insulin as their body needs it to stay alive, so why should you feel bad about needing medication to help your body stay balanced". - how true it this. See, the quote "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" really does have meaning! I lived on the medication for about 4 years, and through the help of my Naturopath I was able to wean myself off (only because I was tired of feeling tired from it, I NEEDED it at the time as I couldn't function, but I knew it was time to try to come off and try a natural approach - and LEARN FROM ME - do NOT come off on your own, seek help from your doctor or another qualified professional - I learned the hard way when I tried doing it on my own and it took me three months back on the meds to feel normal again - more wise words from my doctor at the time were "you feel better because you ARE on the medication" - I always thought I could come off as I felt so good, well that took 2 times to learn my lesson - my husband always says I never listen and have to learn the hard way - I would never tell him, but HE IS SO RIGHT!!!!
Another blessing that came to light through all this, is I learned to embrace my TRUE SELF. I always hid my passion of intuition and mediums (who by the way were a HUGE role in helping me to heal) for fear others would judge me, mine was starting to open up before I had my breakdown and than I shut it all down out of fear, but slowly I am beginning to follow my path to becoming ME and opening up again. Through this "opening" I began to see that I am an "Empath" (someone who can sense/feel others emotions). Yes, I still do have depression and Anxiety issues, BUT I am now learning that some of these emotions are NOT MINE. Have you ever walked into a store and all of a sudden felt deep sadness only to turn the corner and see someone crying? This can be a blessing (as you can help others) or a curse (if you don't know how to protect yourself, as you can take on their emotions). Now that I am learning to "protect" myself, I now ask myself when feeling an emotion "Is this mine?", I usually get a sense on whether it is or not. If it is mine, I try and "sit with the emotion" and see why I am feeling it (rather than always turning to food to numb it.....but I haven't fully mastered this yet). I use to push the emotion away for fear of it (and the uncomfortableness of feeling it), but now I try and feel it. I've learned that when you embrace these emotions rather than push them away and ignore them they usually will go away, but the more energy we give the emotion by fighting it, the longer it will linger inside of us. Trust me, this is NOT an easy process, but it's so rewarding when you do it. If the emotion is NOT mine, than I ask God/Universe, My Guides and the Angels to take the emotion away from me and send love, light and healing to who ever it belongs to. When you are an Empath, it can be a roller coaster of emotion, especially with those you have strong "Soulmate"**** connections to, as you usually can pick up on every emotion they are going through. I remember the time I had a huge panic attack (which I hadn't suffered from this bad in years), I had no idea why I was experiencing it as there was no logical explanation. It wasn't until learning someone I had a "Soul" connection with was having panic attacks due to issues they were going through from surgery that I realized what was going on. Than there were the times, during massages on girls getaways that I was so anxious (due to having a male massage therapist) that my sister actually felt my anxious energy in another room.
Life is full of mysteries and lessons, and the more we learn, grow and help each other through them rather than judge each other, the faster we will heal as a society. WE ALL make mistakes in life, no one is perfect, so before judging someone for things they have done, look deeper and see the Soul who is hurting deep inside. What if one day we all helped each other heal rather than pointed fingers at each other - what a beautiful place it would be (and trust me I am FAR from perfect in this area of life as I still am guilty of having moments of judgment with myself and with others, but I sure hope to improve on this as I have already grown so much already from how I use to be)
***Sandye M. Roberts and Arthur L. Jones - Divine Intervention II: A Guide To Twin Flames, Soul Mates, and Kindred Spirits